Hello Friends,
Since I turned 16, my birthdays have felt like a reset for me. Like a more personal version of New Year’s. I know it is cliche, but I feel different on my birthday. Not older by any means, but definitely different. This year, I felt free. This year, I felt my unique light come back.
As I mentioned in my birthday blog post on Tuesday, my teenage years were tough. I experienced and carried a lot of hurt and trauma through my teens. However, on my 20th birthday, I felt free of all of it. It was as if the two had replaced the one in my age, and everything that had come during the 10 years that one had held its place dropped.
Now, don’t get me wrong. All of the trauma and hurt still very much exists, weighs on me, and is waiting for me to continue to work through it. However, for one day, my 20th birthday, I got a taste of what it was like to feel free of it all. For one day, I felt like myself again. For one day, I felt my unique light start to glow again.
I wrote this little reminder in my notes app on my birthday. I want to share it with you all now as it is my biggest takeaway from this week. “Never again will I let someone dim my unique light. That is all mine to shine on the world. The world needs my unique light.” Part of me knew that the feeling of freedom I was experiencing on my birthday would go away because, unfortunately, trauma and hurt don’t just disappear. However, I wanted to hold onto hope that if I kept working, learning, growing and healing, I could begin to feel that way more regularly. I wanted to shine my light more often.
On my 20th birthday, I honestly felt like a kid again. Which sounds odd since it feels like such a “grown-up age.” At first, I thought this feeling was weird, but after reflecting on it, I realized that the last time I truly felt like me was as a kid. That was the last time I let my light shine.
You see, through all the trauma and hurt I experienced during my teen years, I built up a lot of walls to try and protect myself. Which only makes sense. However, in the process of protecting myself, I also locked away who I really was. People did not approve of or appreciate the real me, so I tucked her away and kept her hidden from the world. When I experienced the freedom from the hurt and trauma that I did on my birthday, the walls started to go down, and the real me began to shine through.
At that moment, I realized how long it had been since I had allowed myself to be authentically me. Being authentically me more often is a new goal I am adding to this chapter of my healing journey. It is going to be a voyage for sure, as there are lots of walls that need to be brought down for it to happen. However, I think it is a journey worth taking!
Until next week, My Friends.
P.S. I’m proud of you 😉
Your post gives hope to all and inspires people to believe that healing and freedom from the hurt and trauma of the past can happen. Not easily, not quickly but so worth the journey to get there. Thank you for sharing out loud what so many feel but are afraid and/or unable to talk about. Stay true to yourself.
MM